Sight.

Something fantastic happened to me today.

Most of you who are reading this know that I am into filmmaking. More specifically, I packed up and left my life-long hometown in Kansas, flew 1140.06 miles to  northern Virginia  (car-less and jobless) to rent a room from a woman I had never met in order to intern for a small-but-growing Christian film company. Yeah I'm kinda into film. Just kinda.

Moving on: Do you ever get to those points where you think you've got stuff figured out? Or rather, you think you've got yourself figured out? We all struggle with... well, stuff. However, when we finally succeed in those previously mentioned struggles, we suddenly decided that we're now perfect! "Aha! I figured something out! I dealt with a sticky situation! I got it right! I'm good." Well, I've been in the "I'm good" mode for a while. Just got past some rough patches in life, ya know? Feeling "super-wise" or something.

I have quite a few friends who aren't following Jesus, and I pray that their eyes would be opened. That they would see what is really going on in life, and that living for Jesus is really the only way  actually live. But the whole "opening of eyes" things applies to everyone, not just "non-Christians". Recently I've been praying a new kind of prayer - I started asking God to open my eyes to anything that I've come under. Any lie I believe. Any faulty ways of thinking that I need to cast aside. Anything that is not edifying my relationship with Christ.

Galatians chapter 3 compares living under the Law (meaning God's rules for us) to living under the Spirit (meaning letting God control you). Basically, we can follow as many rules and regulations for ourselves as we want, and they can even be good rules, but if you're not letting God actually control you... what's the point? We can try to do everything right, but we are NEVER, EVER, IN A MILLION YEARS going to succeed. We're going to sin. We're going to fail God.

Well, I could go on and on about Galatians, but I'd like to get to the point here. The fantastic thing.  Basically, tonight I realized how petrified with fear I get in regards to becoming a filmmaker. Sometimes I'll be sitting in the office, editing footage, and all of a sudden I'll realize that this and that and this needs to be done and blah blah blah and I'll freeze! I'll start mentally hyperventilating. I don't want to do anything wrong AND I want to go above and beyond expectations - I have to be PERFECT. But, of course, I'm not. And I know I'm not. I'm the kind of person that doesn't necessarily ignore imperfections, but simply says, "I can fix it, I can fix it, It's going to be fine, I'VE got the situation covered."There are a lot of things about me that I'd like to "fix". I want to be physically fit, I want to wake up early, I want to know all about movies, books,  music and art, I want to be an incredible actress AND I want to a great filmmaker.

So why was I so scared? God had me where He wanted me, I was learning about film, I had all the resources I needed... where did the fear come in?

Well, when you're trying to be perfect by your own means, you're doomed. Personal utopia is simply not going to happen, and when you live under that looming doom it's terrifying! Day after day I cringed at my mistakes and day after day I'd try to teach myself better ways of doing things. I'd force myself to act in certain ways. I'd be the expert in becoming self-taught. But all the while, I was shaking in my skin (and that definitely hindered the learning process). Ever since I moved here  to Virginia, I've had to beat down or try to ignore the fear.

Tonight I was talking to God - out loud, as I do often - and the answer came out of my mouth, "I need to stop trying to teach myself, and let You teach me."

God replied, "Amy, you're trying to be so perfect in all these other areas, but are you trying to be perfectly like Me? Where is your faith? Why are you afraid of letting Me teach you?"
(Basically, "You're getting in my way dear.")

It's not a sin if you don't sing perfectly.
It's not a sin if can't name a Humphrey Bogart film.
Sin comes with fear and the absence of faith.

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." - Galatians 5:1

So yeah.
^_^